Enough

For those reading this, I must wonder why.
Of course I wonder why even as I begin this endeavor.
Likely it will lead to a fascination for a while before I begin on something else, I of course have no way of knowing.
I wish I had a grand purpose, or even some great quips for starting a blog- honestly though I find myself sadly bare.
I don't feel like I have some great truths that must be imparted to the world, nor do I even expect much more than self-reflection- which I find unfortunately narcissistic.

However, I can begin by saying that a lot has changed recently in my life, my goals and direction are not so clear cut anymore.
It has been interesting for me to go back and read through many of the things I had 'journaled' about- not the least of these being my call into ministry.
So I journal once more- in a more public and advanced method;)
Therefore, I do apologize when I get self focused- this post especially revolves only around me, and I hope those reading will understand that it is lay down a few reasons why I feel the need to write, and hopefully a few purposes for this time of discovery that I believe I am in.
It is slightly ironic that in this practice of blogging that is seen as a sign of the egotistic tendencies of my generation- I hope to become less self focused.
But believe me, after reading through my high school journals, there is hope for that :)

And so I begin with the fact that for three years every Sunday there have been a group of people that attend a gathering and listen to me speak.
I of course was never meant to be the main event, and I pray I never was- but when you come down to it every Sunday there was an audience.
Last Sunday there was no audience for me.

Around 6 years ago I felt something and was convinced that there was a purpose and meaning to my life- I felt that God was calling me into ministry as a preacher.
I have followed that calling, perhaps not always wholeheartedly- but it has been my mission, my goal.
I entertained notions of different careers and paths for my life, but I never seriously deviated from 'the goal'- never thought that I would ever truly leave it.

Yet, a few months ago I left it.
I have stated before and I will state again that I am trying and will continue to try to keep myself completely open to whatever leading God has for me.
When I got my calling though- when I looked back lately through my journals of what I felt, what I imagined, and throughout all the twists and turns my life has taken- this is never where I thought I would be.

I am not perfect, I have not always made the right decisions- but I have had more certainty over my calling than many other things in my life.
Slowly that has crumbled.
It is not wholly due to any one event or group of people, but is due to millions of small doubts, decisions, and questions that have culminated in where I am now.

I don't expect to ever find all the answers, otherwise I might have sought a more factual field than religion, philosophy, and psychology.
But to all those that are concerned about me, to my audience of family and friends I hope maybe this 'blog' will help shed some light on what this process of discovery is for me.
Hundreds if not millions of stronger, smarter, more capable people have tried to find answers in religion, in their callings.
I don't expect answers, I'm fine with a bit of doubt and confusion.

What I hope to rediscover during this time of searching is who God is to me, personally.
Where my certainty lay- when I believed completely that God said Pastor to me.
Where I have slipped, where I have succeeded- and how I can serve God most effectively right now.
And most of all, above all of the questions and frustrations I want to be able to lay everything aside- that my quest for my purpose, although the main theme of this post- will be second to the rediscovery that in the midst of whatever happens that God is Enough.